Originally Posted: March 10, 2014
That’s the piece of graffiti I saw while cutting through a local park this afternoon. It struck me at the right time because I was forgetting to feel, just that. You see, I’ve been on quite a journey over the last year and a half to two years. I’ve spent my life in fear and anger, and i reached a point where I resolved to change that. Self-love is something that I’ve only been learning over this time and to my surprise it has not been an easy journey. So, it was right at the time I decided I wanted to change my life that I met a guy named Darren.
Darren became my life coach and we became friends. Our journey together has been eye opening, amazing and full of emotion from joy to anger. I’ve grown a lot since we began our journey together and to Darren’s credit, he’s been extremely patient with me because I’ve not been the easiest person to work with. For as many giggles of boyhood joy, there have been as many bouts of angry silence on my part, (I hate it when people can read me like one of my books. It means I can’t hide). But that’s good because it means in the end I have to be honest with myself.
However, in the last few weeks, I’ve really been resistant to any further work on myself and Darren and I have reached the same conclusion, it’s best that we don’t work with each other, at least for a while. I’ve just come through a period where I’ve allowed my anger to get the better of me again. And as Darren has said to me, “This unwavering commitment to resisting emotional healing is starting to show up as a missing of respect at times, and while I have always been willing to work with you, I am not willing to participate when having to more regularly pushback against you my friend.” That about says it all. While I’m not pleased about the truth in that statement I have to say that emotional healing involves, for me anyway, opening old wounds, facing long held fears, looking at myself in a mirror and trying to see beyond the self-loathing I previously had. For me it’s been an emotional roller coaster.
I’ve been surprised lately when something has taken over me, something mere words can’t explain but I feel the reality of it very deeply. It’s almost like somebody, God, The Universe, Higher Self, whatever, has taken the steering wheel from me and told me to sit still. To my amazement, things have just been falling into place for me lately. It drives the car and I happily ride shotgun. Never in my days have I felt more at peace and willing to let life take me where it will. Is that called surrender?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got a lot of that emotional baggage, but these days I’m finding it easier to make a shift in my attitude about things. Through all that work with Darren and this newly found feeling of surrender I can say I am truly worth it. And although I’m sure I’ll have many more bouts of silent anger, it is now easier for me not to forget to be awesome.